Harvard's Carl Ehrlich wants a nickname.

I want a nickname. This is my third year in a college football program, and I still don't have a nickname. Looking over the roster today, I realized that just about everyone on the team is called by something other than their first name, and I want in. In high school, kids on my wrestling team called me "Snarl" as a joke, but never in my life have I had a real nickname. I share a locker room with Randy "Juice" Ojukwu, Steve "The Shark" Sheehan, Kevin "Sonny" McCracken, and Matt "The Overgrown Baby (OGB)" Luft, but there is no nickname for me in sight. Even if kids on the team don't have a nickname, the vast majority are still referred to by their last name, but it's still 'Carl' for me.

But in the ultimate act of nickname selflessness, I bestowed what many recognize to be the greatest nickname of all time on a teammate in preseason two years ago. This is the story of John Paris, and the evolution/spread of his nickname. When John Paris came into camp, he was a prized offensive linemen recruit, who Coach Crook wanted to nickname "Bubba," after the famous offensive linemen for the 49ers. The first day in camp and he was already being called by the name of a pro-bowler?! I'm extremely opposed to (and sufficiently versed in) freshman hazing, but where was the NCAA to report on this egregious act of upperclassmen, passive-aggressive nickname hazing? Here I was with no nickname and the freshman two lockers down was named after a three-time super bowl champion.

And then genius struck. While getting taped in the training room before practice one morning, I saw young John Paris walk through the doors and his nickname came to me, "Bubbles!" It sounded strikingly similar to the nickname that Coach Crook was already trying to spread, but this one had a playfully effeminate twist to it that made it perfect. But a good nickname just wasn't enough, it needed to catch, and with the coaches trying to push "Bubba," I had to hit the campaign trail (Note: this wasn't my first nickname campaign trail; I spent the majority of the season two years ago pushing the nickname "pitbull," for Coach Saul, a strength coach relentless in her pursuit of in-season power clean form and extreme squat depth).

"Have you guys met Bubbles yet?" I would ask my teammates. "It's not Bubba, dude, it's Bubbles," I told them. "He's not Bubba Paris, he's his own man!" I went hoarse just trying to get the nickname some momentum, but once it caught on, it really caught on.

Most football nicknames stay on the field or the locker room, but "Bubbles" spread like wildfire. Because he got the nickname during preseason camp, he was already affectionately referred to as Bubbles by the time the rest of the freshman class arrived on campus. The nickname flawlessly made its way from the field house to Harvard Yard, as word of this incredibly nicknamed Texas O-linemen spread.

With the Harvard community sold on the nickname, I felt as though my job was done, but it didn't stop there. Ryan Burkhead, a sophomore defensive end at the time, visited Bubbles in his home town, and told his buddies back home that their friend, previously known as John, had a new nickname. Rumor has it that the nickname stuck in his hometown, thus completing the retroactive nickname takeover!

Note: Don't let his nickname or his pleasant disposition deceive you, while he accepts the nickname Bubbles, he has far from embraced its connotations. Had I known what a beast he would turn into on the offensive line, I may have held my tongue. Because having a coach yell at you for getting beat by a guy named Bubbles is hardly a morale booster.